Saturday, April 1, 2017

God Drives Me To Abstraction- Integration and Disintegration

Starting a post with an outrageous claim is no way to get people to read it. I know that. Never the less, here I am, about to say something some might interpret as glaring proof I am insane.

From the moment I remember myself contemplating the world around me and in me, which is from the very beginning of my conscious mind, God has had a living presence within and around my self that has grown in significance and influence and has finally come to completely dominate even the smallest details of my life.

 It is like slowly falling so deeply in love that one's every waking moment is of one's beloved and one's dreams are all of one's beloved, too.

This ever present living other is entwined in the fabric of my thoughts and feelings, more so than in any intimacy I have shared with a woman. It is like being constantly coupled in a perfect moment of sex. Of course it has an ebb and a flow, it is a relationship that breathes, albeit somewhat breathlessly.

 It is a relationship that is intense and relentless with an inner essence that is not me, that has it's own vibrant character, one that can easily overwhelm me with it's overflowing vitality, far beyond my own. I tire and God is tireless. It is as if  He is always waiting for me to awaken from my slumber so as to share with me some wisdom or show me some wonder.

    Now I say "He" but don't let that confuse you, because I am a man myself and here I am speaking of God as one might of a wife,  but  I call Him  "He".

   I do this because as goes energies of the male, this presence is penetrating and seductive, unimaginably strong and domineering and I am within myself  like an ever reborn virgin being courted to let go and let Him in.

 His virility and potency to cause me to quicken and  change and become pregnant with new ideas, are boundless, tempered by a  knowledge of my being that brings processes to fruition in a crescendo that climaxes in my explosive recognition of a living wisdom that ceaselessly astounds me and causes me to constantly reexamine my ideas about Him and The Universe He creates me in and the universe He creates in me.

He drives me to abstraction.

In every sense of the word.

Always has.

 The contemplation of His timeless, space-less paradoxical nature has left me absent minded from the affairs of others and the details of events that appear to have no bearing on the resolution of this ever evolving mystery. I always think in terms of the universal and search for immutable and all encompassing  truths, because such truths are a Knowledge of God. All information is only as valuable  as can be abstracted from it a Knowledge of God and What He Is Doing to the universe and the life within it, including and most importantly for me, my own life within.

   My psychologist, God Bless her soul, commented that this must be exhausting, and sometimes it  is. Making love on the full spectrum of one's capacity for motion and sensation is time and energy consuming.
Isn't it a cliche that happy lovers on a honeymoon remain for days on end in their bedroom and have meals delivered to their door? Such is my life.

Not that we don't quarrel, either. I need consistency and a degree of predictability, some kind of stability, as would want any one in a relationship. God doesn't give me that, the way I experience myself wanting it. It is a ceaseless series of explosive surprises. God doesn't let me pity myself, not for a moment. He knows very well how grateful I am and even more so, how grateful I should be, for experiencing Him in a way unparalleled by anyone ever, including Moses. Moses was more delusional than I am. He had visions of diseased walls and clothing that no one else could see and called it leprosy as the same disease appeared on people's bodies. He made all kinds of religious instructions for the priests who were responsible for dealing with outbreaks of leprosy in people or in property. I don't think anyone but Moses ever saw what he was talking about, but as it says, the people believed in God And Moses His Servant, and no one ever dared say that the spiritual emperor Moses is as naked in certain ways as anyone.

    Though I have been very delusional, my final comprehension of the mechanics, the workings of creation, will be an emanating singularity in the common mind that promulgates a Knowledge of God for the duration of mankind's communal consciousness. Quite a statement, eh?  To understand this, think of the Egyptian pyramids.

Here they are, a  massive structural accomplishment of both great simplicity and complexity, a wonder and a mystery that have survived unresolved as physical objects in the mind of man for over 4,500 years.

During all this time, until this very day, the pyramids have evoked speculation about  how they were made and what context of knowledge they represent. So it is in history, culture and civilization, a man has a vision coalesce in his mind and a vision is always a mental structure of some kind.

 Visions can be simple, two dimensional, black and white and static, such as geometric forms, or sophisticated, intricate and complex with moving parts, like a Swiss Watch or a locomotive. They can be concrete, like the Pyramids, or like the Twin Towers of 911, immortalized ironically by reason of their mysterious collapse. Physical  monuments that become iconic manifestations of human imagination, or abstract, like the intuitive visions of mathematicians like Godel and physicists like  Einstein.

Of Godel let me say, he is the most important thinker until me.

The difference between us is only that God will validate Godel and God's Own Existence through me, for all of mankind, and for all time.  Godel's name itself is blatantly ironic. The man who proves God's existence as an axiomatic logical necessity, has the word God in his name in both English (God) and Hebrew (El אל )
and this name could be said to encompass Godel's whole idea.

The word El in Hebrew means "direction towards" and intimates any kind of motion or gravity itself, gravity being the phenomenon of potential innate motion between physical objects at a distance. If all the physical objects with their locations that were, are or will ever be, have a circle drawn around them it can only Be God drawing the circle, Hence the irony of the name Godel.

Godel is so important, here is his picture.
His contribution to the common mind is far more important than the pyramids or Einstein's theories or relativity.

 " toward the end of his life Einstein confided that his "own work no longer meant much, that he came to the Institute merely ... to have the privilege of walking home with Gödel".

 Godel's “ Incompleteness Theorem.” is the most enduring knowledge of God ever formulated in Mathematics. It is true everywhere and all the time, something that one cannot say of Relativity on the level of quantum mechanics. It is the foundation of the humility that makes the knowledge of God possible.

Godel's Incompleteness Theorem or The Mathematical Proof Of God 

Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem says:
“Anything you can draw a circle around cannot explain itself without referring to something outside the circle – something you have to assume but cannot prove.”

 Godel paid heavily for his visions and comprehension of the universe and the limitations on the mind's understanding of it.  He suffered from bouts of mental illness, particularly paranoia. Socially, he didn't embrace wholeheartedly the implications of his own work, that being the existence of God and his  belief that God is personal.  He had his own irrational relationship with Christianity going on and that must have caused him severe cognitive dissonance,  for he had a mind that strove for harmonious solutions in all his reasoning and he couldn't have reconciled logically the idea of a perfectly Good Christian God and his own experiences and his knowledge of what happened at the hand of the Nazis, whom he himself fled from.  He persistently harbored irrational ideas of persecution in his personal life and I assume these were a projection of his unresolved issues concerning God's having to be the creator of everything evil as well as everything good, by his own theorem. His Christian narrative denial of God's creating evil became an irrational fear of evil intended to be done to him by people who had free choice and free choice is irrational if everything within his understanding of mathematics is valid. Per Godel, creation is perfectly complete and God must exist outside of it to make it happen, though this cannot be proven in a mind or a laboratory. Particularly because laboratories are inventions of the mind to examine phenomenon within it.

Perhaps he believed that God was after him for not going all the way personally with his own understandings that everything that ever was, is, or ever will be- is simply here, right now and complete.

At any rate, he starved himself to death, as he was absolutely certain that anything he ate was poisoned. In his fear that he would be killed by others he killed himself. Now he was vastly more intelligent than I am, but I am wiser in my complete and absolute surrender to God's Omnipotent Creativity. Creativity of which I am merely a finite temporal and spatial manifestation who knows this of himself. My wisdom is God given and of no credit to me. It is the means by which God accomplishes His purpose which is that I comprehend certain visions He puts into my mind and then describe these visions and ideas for the perusal of posterity.  My observing sense of self that sees the manifestation of self that is me, is itself  part of the package of having a mind to experience God's Creativity. To be coherent, a mind must be finite and not strive to experience infinity or eternity. One must make peace with one's own mortality. There is nothing more substantial to a sense of self than anything else.

It is a creation of a Selfless God.

So I don't believe in an immortal soul as being by any means necessary for a resolution of issues of  God's nature being ultimately Good or Benevolent or Just, etc. I don't need a postulated after life to balance out the equations of what I think the universe should be like. It is what it is and that is something that is getting better all the time, as it exists in my mind. Whatever it is, though, is God's and not mine.

My own experience of God's existence in my mind would drive any one else insane. He leaves me absolutely nothing of my own. That I have a sense of self despite this, is a kind of something from nothing miracle. It fluctuates. At times I feel as inconsequential as an image in the mirror, completely flat and of no duration longer than God's looking at me as as a reflection of His Own Creativity. If he looks away, I am gone as if I had never been there. If its just the lights that go out, there is still a chance  I will be there when they turn back on. If they turn back on. But who knows the future of a reflection if one has no control over what is being reflected?
 If God should walk away from the mirror...


Gone, without  a trail of smoke or a memory of me in any one' mind.

No matter how important the personage of a person who walks down a Hall of Mirrors, once gone, the mirrors retain nothing of the person's passing through.

Fortunately for me, I am not just a fleeting reflection of an image of an object in God's mind, I am a story about such reflections and the story is in a book that will be published, metaphorically. And the story has a lesson to be learned about the nature of everything, at all times and everyplace, no matter the what of the nature of the things, their times in the schemes of things, or the places things can be.

Even this book and its lessons are fleeting reflections in a mirror  that exists without needing to reflect anything at all.

Art for Art's Sake.

 Who says God has to share his creations and their reflections to enjoy them? That fact that I experience myself as being the sharing of God's Creativity is what makes my love for the Divine so Sublime.  This is the Hall of Mirrors full of people who thought they were important.

And this is the same hall, many years later, when all the people in the first picture have been dead and gone and few remembered.

Don't think about this too much or it might drive you crazy.

And so it is that minds come and grow and go and have during their duration visions, and secrete through communications with other minds, the nature of such visions, creating a potential for a shared likeness and mutual realities. When the vision is of physical objects and others come to share the vision, with mutual contributions and efforts on the part of all the participating minds, an object can be brought out into the shared reality of mankind, available to be experienced to some degree by anyone who can travel or with access to the internet.

Witness again the pyramids. Or an IPhone. Steve Jobs's vision of a personal computer evolved in much less time than it took to build the pyramids, into something with exponentially greater influence over the environment minds will be born into, from here on out. Life is getting ever quicker, more sophisticated and complex in the monuments created that become common realities and focus points for mental integration.

One cannot know for certain what was in Pharaoh's mind as context for the Pyramid. One can speculate on that but the only facts one has to speculate with are the consequences of the secretions of Pharaoh's mind as communications into the minds of others and the resultant  physical realities that have been there to be perceived these last 4500 years. Until the advent of writing there was no way to turn mental secretions concerning the nature of the universe into physical realities that can be shared except through the process of having living physical bodies tell stories into other people's minds, through the medium of their physical bodies. The possibilities for misinterpretation and misrepresentation using this medium are endless.  The accumulation of shared knowledge was painstakingly slow and so open to personal interpretation that social cohesion around common narratives was  frail and vulnerable to any one with a vision of their own, probably common when hunter gatherers ate wild mushrooms for sustenance.

Farming and writing came together. Mental resonance increased with common interests pursued in conjunction with agreed upon narratives preserved in writing for common perusal for  those with the mental propensity to learn how to read and write. Cultures coalesced, civilizations gather around the visionaries bast able to communicate their mental secretions of integrating ideas, producing a rise in the dopamine level of the common mind and the creation of lock step  thinking.

Lock step thinking is neither good or bad, it is the means of attaining great Pyramid Like accomplishments.

Hitler is a recent example of a visionary with a culturally integrating idea, based on the most common denominators of  human behavior around self serving values with a narrow context of  self identification. He abstracted the Aryan Race from humanity the same way the Jews extract themselves as a nation from humanity in certain interpretations of their narrative. Ironic, but  the Children of Israel became a nation with the idea that Moses had given them, that being genocide best served their purposes for cultural self preservation and expansion. That didn't work out, as God had other more expansive and inclusive plans,  no matter what Moses heard Him say to Moses, in Moses's  mind.

Integration and disintegration are processes that describe all living activity. They are both happening at the same time for any kind of digestive activity has to do with breaking things apart (disintegration) and putting them back together again. (integration) When a virus  successfully attaches its DNA to the DNA in a cell, the process is called integration and the immediate result is the disintegration of the cell's mechanisms to do the work it was intended to and the integration of the cell's protein producing capacities, to produce more viruses.

Learning of any kind and on any level is a process of integration and the cross referencing of data.
DNA evolves in that it expresses an ever increasing integration of knowledge concerning the environments the organisms it produces will find themselves. All biological integration mechanisms stem from genetic algorithms and disintegration of the body and mind are also manifestations of genetic imperatives. In animals the behavior of individual organisms is easily explained and predicted by applying the fives primal functions of all living things.

1. Self Creation
2. Self Preservation
3. Self Expansion
4. Attacking Barriers To Expansion
5. Defending Self From Attack

The Five Primal Genetic Imperatives For All Living Things

Now to help illustrate the sophisticated, complex, intricate and evolving vision I have of how God creates the universe in the mind of man, and the mind of man in the universe, let me share with you some of what has been going on in my mind recently.

I have been having a quarrel with God.

You see, God is doing whatever it takes to integrate my mind with His Will to have me write what I do on the internet. I am sure like everything else, this takes absolutely no effort whatsoever on His part, but for me it means constant aches and pains and reassessments of priorities. I keep having to detach myself from people I care about, as what is going on inside of me can't be fully shared and is all consuming of my attention.  I keep trying to solidify my ideas of God so that I can orient my sense of self appropriately and integrate myself into the lives of the people around me, sharing what I have gained in knowledge of His Nature, as such is hidden from the minds of others. In other words, that part of my brain responsible for human social connectivity is in deep pain, as going insane hasn't done much for my social life.

 I am an emotional recluse despite craving emotional connection.

 Now that I am no longer insane and am able to differentiate between delusions and realities, my desire to give and receive empathy has returned with a vengeance.  Part of me wants to cash in on the value of my insight and hard won wisdom by integrating myself into other people's hearts by giving them valuable advise. I used to make a very good living, doing this, so it is not unreasonable for me to believe that after all I have been through, I could do this even better. Particularly as I wouldn't take money today for what I would share. The joy of sharing would more than suffice as a return for my efforts.

But God keeps testing my love and my faith without giving me any respite to rest and coordinate my new found sense of self, because whatever sense of self I gain in integration of new views and visions, disintegrates before the heat of God's Passion to share His ever evolving character in my mind.

Let me give you an example. It's as if God keeps telling me, "Sit still and shut up! Now Look At This!" and then He goes silent and directs my attention to some emerging new idea of His Nature. Its as if you have a wild lover who keeps testing your love by showing you how wanton  they can be. A woman you once thought modest and virginal suddenly spreads her legs and exposes herself with a wide enticing smile and quivering lips, saying with bated breath, "Do you still love me?" and while your mind rebels against the outrageous and shameless self display, your passion is kindled and waxes inordinately strong overwhelming any  mental qualms you initially have against reaching out and fondling her  again and again. No matter how difficult and painful the relationship, despite its costing you everything of this world, you can't get enough of your lover. 

 I honestly often don't want to know what God sometimes shows me.  But God is relentless, unstoppable, tireless and He knows my limitations and boundaries better than I do, so when I am completely overwhelmed and out of breath, He retreats and gives me just enough time to catch my breath before initiating another round of intercourse.

Moses, based on his personal experience, I am sure, calls God a consuming fire and jealous Lord. I can think of no better way to describe The God I know within me and around me than this.

Consuming fire?

God's Heat of Heart breaks down into elements all fabrications of any kind in my mind, and then He breaks apart the elements themselves into the most fundamental particles, which he causes to disappear and appear like pixels on the screen of my mind.

A Jealous Lord? The vector of all I experience points at Him and His Design, no attempts on my part to distract myself from His Character are of any avail. He is there before I arrive anywhere, awaiting me with signs that cause endless wonder and awe before the totality and pervasiveness of His Living Nature.

Recently, I was watching and listening to a YouTube video about quantum mechanics. I was thinking that quantum particles are as unpredictable as cars driving on the road are predictable. There is a chance that either will do something you can't know for certain before hand. Cars seldom do this while subatomic particles do this all the time. Cars are predictable because they mostly seek integration with the traffic whereas no one knows what subatomic particles are integrating themselves into when they show up out of anywhere and no where in particular. No one but me and God, that is.

Wave unctions collapse the way they do in laboratories in order to baffle scientists.

So while I was feeling all self contained and complacent with my spectacular vision and wisdom, a video caught my attention on the corner of the web page of the video I was watching.

 It had 119273 views.

 It was about serial killers of the most sadistic and predatory kinds. Something I take no pleasure whatsoever in contemplating. That means, I have come to realize, God will have me contemplating it in short order. Again, as if to say, "Look at this. Do you still love me despite seeing what I am capable of? After seeing this, can you still maintain your Faith in my having the ultimate Goodness of Will you so desperately need me to have, for you to keep worshiping me?"

I had hoped I had resolved this issue a thousand times in the past. But no, my understanding needed to deepen and grow  in detail and perception of intricacy of the mechanic which brings about every heart rendering manifestation of Divine Will that appears inside my mind.

119273 views. 119 and 273 are both very significant numbers to me. As often happens to me, a pattern of numbers in a sequence that seems to me to be very statistically unlikely, catches my attention and causes my mind to focus on some significance I would integrate into my evolving philosophy of  Aesthetics as the Ultimate Divine Intent.  This started with the number 11 and culminated in the events of 11/9 or The Eleventh Day of the Ninth Month, 2001, 119 as written in Hebrew, or 911 in English.

Among other relevant possible meanings, 119 means Prophet of God or in Hebrew  נביא ליהוה , that being me, as far as I am concerned.

273 means  "Words of God to..."   or in Hebrew  דברי יהוה אל .

119273 - So, poetically speaking (that's how God speaks), one could read this as in Hebrew from right to left, "Words of God to a Prophet of God."

 With יהוה  (God) meaning, "The One Who Makes The Present From The Future and The Past",  one can then read this out as saying,

 "Words of  The One Who Makes The Present From The Future and The Past to a Prophet of  The One Who Makes The Present From The Future and The Past!"

In other words, God is telling me to look and see how He makes the present from the future and the past and it has something to do with sadistic serial killers. Sadistic serial murderers are a phenomenon that causes  social-harmony seeking minds like mine, to recoil in cognitive dissonance.
That a whole nation rises up and desires to inflict genocide on another nation is written about in the Bible. It has happened in recent history. It serves a purpose one can understand and yet repudiate, the idea that one enhances one's own survival by getting completely rid of one's competitors.  One guarantees self integration by causing one's enemies to completely disintegrate. One can even understand that there can be a pleasure involved in watching one's enemies perish.  The perception of enhanced survival potential and therefore self  sustaining and self serving pattern growth causes dopamine secretion. One cheers one's enemies' misfortunes and the economics of dopamine secretion regarding processes of  enhanced self integration and disintegration of  conceived barriers to one's own integrated expansion, is what makes the world go round.

   But what of  men, women and children, who sadistically kill, maim and torture, again and again, simply because it gives them  some kind of unfathomable pleasure? Why does God do  this to human beings, both perpetrators and victims? Animals kill to protect territory from foreign encroachment which is understandable per the laws of the jungle. They do it again and again and one can imagine that a lion or a monkey pack enjoys ripping an intruder to shreds as part of it's own survival, defense  and expansion strategy.

But what about fetish serial killers? It is easy to agree that there is something mentally wrong with them, But what? What is it about the human mind that allows for such a perverted and ultimately self defeating behavior? What is it about the mind of man as a divine creation that encompasses the inevitable manifestation of such bizarre pathology in all cultures, in all civilizations? I had always asked myself this question and had avoided giving it any serious thought as the subject matter is so disturbing. Never the less, my mind would always linger painfully whenever I encountered particularly disturbing stories of murder. This happens to many people and is why such stories gain such publicity. They bring to the attention a dangerous realm of ignorance concerning the mind and human behavior as well as the nature of God.

Why does He do this to the perpetrators, the innocent victims, and to us as unwilling spectators of horrific news, again and again? Recently, there have been stories of parents brutalizing and killing their own children with one mother drowning  her four youngsters in the bath, and then she hung herself after setting fire to the apartment she lived in. OK, she was clinically depressed after a troubling pregnancy and birth, but that just isn't an explanation for the act she committed. What she did must have been for her the least painful option and as the cessation of pain is itself a kind of pleasure, she might have smiled to herself as she did it, in relief.

I had thought to allow myself to simply make peace with the idea that there are things I will never understand about God's Creation of man's mind. But it is God's nature in my mind to flaunt His creativity and to challenge me to Love Him, anyway.  So I was exposed to a series of very disturbing You Tubes, over the course of a couple of days, many with sequences of the familiar numbers that seem to congregate causing me to focus my attention on an enigma behind the anomaly.

I felt angry and rebellious  and upset for days. 

    At one point, many years ago,  I had postulated that man has the ability to freely give ultimate value to anything at all, including women's shoes. Or an unworldly ideal. Once value is given to anything at all, the mind will seek integration around the object, be it physical or metaphysical, and the person will begin to manifest the principles of create, preserve, expand, attack and defend concerning it. So if for whatever reason, dopamine is secreted at an early age when a person lacks discretion, through the illogical association of an object with a desirable identity, a fetish is created and the person will begin to hoard experiences with female shoes, for example as in the case of
Fetish Killer-Female Shoes

 But why the murder?

Let's assume the portion of this person's brain responsible for empathy was impaired and therefor they didn't seek emotional integration socially. Brain chemistry, and the resultant manifestations of perception and sensation, resulting in behavior,  is a consequence of genetic propensities modified by environmental inhibitors or enhancers, according to the social  norms of the culture in which one is raised.

If mother is abusive and an enemy and one associates mother with all women, all women are enemies. If one can control a symbol of mother's hostile identity like her shoes, one will seek the dopamine rush of having experiences with her shoes, and later by association women's shoes in general, and will also seek the pleasure of causing mother and women to disintegrate in their offensive identities by causing them pain and finally killing  them, not only in one's own mind, but in actuality too. The lack of dopamine in matters of social integration means that other people aren't really real and are just threatening objects to be dominated, manipulated and eliminated when they are perceived to be a threat in any way. Causing barriers and impediments to one's own valuable manifestation of self expression to disintegrate, is a source of dopamine secretion and therefor pleasure.  Not doing so is painful. A serial killer lives in pain only abetted by carrying out his pleasure seeking behaviors and he or she lives in the confines of a mind that recognizes  life only in its self. Their brain lacks the chemistry and wiring that allows for the perception and value of other's people's feelings  in their own calculations of self interest.

Since I relinquished the idea of freedom of  human creation and see human creation as a manifestation of immutable Divine Will, serial killers and all atrocious human behaviors  are manifestations of genetic logarithms playing out every kind of  integration-disintegration realization in an endlessly intricate spectrum of possibilities.

There is no reason to hate Divinely Created human beings with deranged and pathological  mind sets, though one can hate sadistically  bizarre works of living art that force disintegration on the unwilling victims of  such mentally deranged individuals. When such people cannot be rehabilitated they should be put to death.

Genetics will manifest every kind of life form and behavior imaginable in the various and diverse environments of the biosphere. Genetics and environment are mutually influential in a sphere of ever evolving  complexity.

With the advent of modern technology and the internet, the economics of dopamine secretion will mutate and evolve, in ways no one can predict.  


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